How do you get a blonde on the roof?

How do you get a blonde on the roof?
....tell her drinks are on the house.

Note
on the house: provided free by a business - especially a bar or restaurant

• The room at the hotel was not ready when we arrived so they provided us with free drinks on the house.

WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss.
By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK!
WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
.
.
.

He replied laughing, "Coz . . ." "I just love hearing it!"

Cookie dough

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.
''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.''
"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.''
"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came.
''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!''

Note

dough = a mixture of flour and water ready to be baked into bread

to jerk off = to masturbate

bb = small metal pellet used in an air rifle or pistol

A blonde went to ...

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Note
darn = damn
Darn it! I'll have to do it all myself!

dye = to change the color of material or hair by using a special colored substance
She's dyed her hair red -- it looks so unnatural.

disguise = something that you wear to change your appearance
The woman in the park turned out to be a police officer in disguise.

exclaim = to say something suddenly and loudly
"What a beautiful house!'' she exclaimed.

The polite bus driver

A few days ago, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, becausewe're leaving."

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you calm down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains.

The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!"

Colored Coffee

Waiter:
Would you like your coffee black?
Customer:
What other colors do you have?

Note:
Do you like your coffee white or black?
white coffee = with milk
black coffee = without milk

I won’t be of much help anyway!!

Manager:
Sorry, but I can’t give you a job.
I don’t need much help.
Job Applicant:
That’s all right.
In fact I’m just the right person in this case.
You will see, I won’t be of much help anyway!!

A car going the wrong way

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!"

Your mama

Your mama is so fat, when she passed by the TV, I missed a full season of Friends.